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Friday, May 14, 2004

You can never get enough kitsch in your life 

In one of the recent backblogs, the conversation has somehow degenerated into a discussion of horrible movies we've seen recently. Olen chimed in with his viewing of Van Wilder (or maybe it was the sequel? Perish the thought) and I dredged up a should-have-been-forgotten memory of watching one of Pauly Shore's lesser efforts*. And since, no doubt, this kind of discussion might fire up your brain to remember all the terrible schlock you have viewed at some point, allow me to make this task all the easier, thanks to the demented genius that is Seanbaby, a Portland, Oregon-based writer (well, he's got a voice, albeit of the anarchic, insane variety) who loves, and I mean LOVES, the 80s in all its horrendous glory. He also has a semi-regular column for THE WAVE, one of the free weeklies over there, which manages to mine the most obscure, outlandish topics into long pieces, ranging from funny to side-splitting.

My favorite, in keeping with this particular discussion, is "The 10 Eightiest Movies," where Seanbaby goes into excrutiating detail on movies that should really be locked in a drawer with the key thrown away:

8. Breakin’, 1984

“For the break of your life! Push it to pop it! Rock it to lock it! Break it to make it!”
This is one of the first films that focused on break dancing and the troubled rec centers that surround it. It’s the story of Turbo and Ozone, played of course by Boogaloo Shrimp and Shabba-Doo, and the trials they go through to not only defeat the evil Electro-Rock breakers, but to be accepted by the established dance community. They’re helped along the way by Kelly, a classically trained dancer who embraces their savage street movements to recreate most of the second half of Flashdance. What made this movie so daring, though, is that it risked angering elitist ballet instructor villains of the world by having an ending where the group’s break dancing saves the community from socially intolerant oppression.

And it just gets worse. On Seanbaby's home site, he has a ridiculously detailed, terribly analytical review of Mr. T's "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool," an idea so lame and silly that, well, it could only have happened in the 80s.

So hunt through this archive. Dredge up those long-forgotten memories. And then, it might be a good idea to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol afterwards.

*UPDATE, 11:30 EDT: Overheard in the ladies' bathroom at work ten minutes ago:

A: Did you ever see that Pauly Shore movie?

B: Which one is that? I don't see a lot of movies, eh.

A: It's that one, THE IN-LAWS, I think? Where he's at the house of the girl he's engaged to?

B: SON-IN-LAW! Yeah I did see that, it was so funny.

A: It's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen, eh. So good.

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