Sunday, April 11, 2004

Best. Amazon. Review. Ever. 

Blog favorite Steve Almond (stop giggling. Yes, I mean it. Go read MY LIFE IN HEAVY METAL already) has a new book out called CANDYFREAK, a journey into the underbelly of candymaking in America. I want to read this because a) it's Steve Almond b) I love chocolate and candy. Great combination, no? Anyway, CANDYFREAK's already getting some nice reviews, but this one--albeit, a rather biased one--is probably my favorite, and I am reproducing it in its entirety because I can:

Hey, Steve is brilliant. And I know this as I shared womb space with the chump, where, by the way, he wasn't allowed to eat candy. I can tell you a couple "insider" facts about Steve but I won't do this because Steve's next published work could very well be title "What my Horrible Twin Brother Michael Did to Me and How I Plan to Get Him back" (Note: anything Steve ever writes about me that is positive is totally fact-based; anything else is simple artistic license...which is really a polite term for "spite") O.K., so now that you get the fact that I am totally self obsessed and egocentric, let me tell you more about me...kidding! This is Steve's moment in the sun (spite)...Couple things:
1. He is as funny and insane in real-life as in print!
2. The picture of him eating chocolate pudding (in the book) is referred to as the famous "Chocolate Pudding Picture". But, a certain twin brother that shall remain nameless (let's call him Michael) has been curiously cropped out of the photo. (not spite, gratitude. It wasn't a great shot of me)
3. I love him and he loves me...but:
4. He loves Candy much more. And if you read his first book...well you have to read it find out what his other passion is...(let's just call it "sex" for the sake of it) he loves that more too.
5. I haven't read the book yet which shows you what kind of chump I really am. But I just purchased it and I do plan to read it (I swear Steve)
6. Finally, Dennis Miller would play the role of Steve Almond in the Lifetime Network made-for-T.V. movie "The Michael Almond Story: The crowded womb" (Stockard Channing would play me in case you were wondering).
Goodbye my loyal fans...wait....Steve's loyal fans! I love you all.

Well....that about sums it up, I suppose. Anyway, Almond will be undertaking one of his patented massive tours starting in a few days, and check out where his New York signing will be on May 8: Dylan's Candy Bar. I may die of sugar shock.

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